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Posted January 17, People are alternately fascinated, repulsed, and astonished by the idea. The women I interviewed consistently spoke of the importance and value of sex in their lives. This was especially true for women whose marriages were sexless or orgasmless. Women often endured these sexual deserts for years before finally acting.
None of these women rushed into posting a profile seeking an affair thoughtlessly or impulsively. Rather, they had already invested much time and effort into trying to repair the sexual state of their marriages, to no avail. For them, partnered sex is necessary for their needs to be met.
The sex they had in their affairs was specifically focused on their pleasure. With their affair partners, the sex was about their pleasure and sexual desires. For these women, the release they experienced through sex with an affair partner saved their marriages. Prior to participating in an affair, they doubted their own ability to stay in the marriage. The thought of dissolving their marriages evoked sadness and despair. But the sexual relief of their affairs made them feel capable of continuing to stay in those marriages — something they very much desired.
With their sexual needs met, at least periodically, they found themselves better able to endure the daily frustrations of a shared life. They could overlook an unequal division of household labor, irritating habits, and even inattentiveness, in part because they kept such a large, stigmatized secret from their spouse. It makes sense: When we have less stress in our lives, we can afford to be more charitable toward other people.
