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A time of seasonal celebration, and cultural traditions that are fun for the entire family. Like making delicious caramel apples to commemorate the autumn harvest. Hanging spooky cobwebs and gauzy ghosts in our front yards, in remembrance of the spirit world. Carving ghoulish faces into the giant squash on our front stoops, just like the superstitious Irish pagans of yesteryear.

The costume makers have spoken. You know, the kind of homely clothes that you can wear trick-or-treating. Last year, for example, I went as a clown. I made my husband go as my sidekick clown. More importantly, they are zero shades of sexy. In the end, the best thing we got out of those baggy pants, polka-dot bow ties, and curly wigs was free birth control. We were so good-natured looking, we could barely look at each other. And really, gals: Is the purpose of Halloween to make yourself appear physically grotesque to your significant others?

Of course not. The purpose of Halloween is to turn yourself into a vampish male fantasy. I remember one Halloween back in college, when my roommate and I invented our own crafty costumes.

We got a lot of compliments for this neat idea. We found ourselves rather clever and amusing. But guess what? No cows got laid that night. In fairness, that was probably not all about the costumes.