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Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it. But they usually made me care about how bad they were. The movie resolutely avoids all the comic possibilities of its situation, and becomes one more dumb high school comedy about sex gags and prom dates…. It is too vulgar for anyone under 13, and too dumb for anyone over The best thing about it is that it runs for only 75 minutes….

Speaking in my official capacity as a Pulitzer Prize winner, Mr. Schneider, your movie sucks. My guess is that African Americans will be offended by the movie, and whites will be embarrassed. The movie will bring us all together, I imagine, in paralyzing boredom. But I press on. I should be a good sport and go along with the joke.

But the joke is not funny. The movie is not funny. The Spice Girls are easier to tell apart than the Mutant Ninja Turtles, but that is small consolation: What can you say about five women whose principal distinguishing characteristic is that they have different names?