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To begin with, I was born in Brooklyn. Like half the planet. Birthdate: Jan. At first I wanted to be a New Yorker cartoonist. For a year or so during my junior-high years I sent my work to the magazine. Next I wrote a novel. It was 75 pages long and had a sex scene, even though I had no idea what sex was.
I loved it when I got to stay home from school for a cold or some other illness. Yes, once I feigned being ill by putting the thermometer under the hot-water faucet. When I did get to stay home from school I read the Dumas brothers and drew things.
I drew for hours and hours on end. I did have a high-school girlfriend, Michelle G—, who in fact shaped my destiny. It was because of her that I went to the University of Pennsylvania. She dumped me two weeks later. This was hard. I recovered. She undumped me. We dated another six months. Then she dumped me again. But I was happy. I studied Russian, learned to drink vodka from a real Russian prince, fought acne by wearing underwear on my head to keep the hair off my face, and graduated summa cum laude.
My first job was in New York as an editorial assistant, meaning gopher, for a publisher in New York. When I flushed the john, a plume of blue water sprayed out onto my white shirt. I got the job anyway, a pity hire, clearly.