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Ever since the Roman emperor Caracalla bathed in the mineral waters here, Baden-Baden has welcomed those in need of a good soak. We were swept into the changing area with no explanation.
Traditional, stately, indoors, these baths are extremely relaxing … and not very social. Wearing only the locker key strapped around my wrist, I start by weighing myself — 92 kilos. The attendant leads me under the industrial-strength shower. This torrential kickoff pounds my head and shoulders and obliterates the rest of the world. He gives me plastic slippers and a towel, ushering me into a dry-heat room with fine wooden lounges — the slats too hot to sit on without the towel.
Staring up at exotic tiles depicting peaceful scenes of herons and palms, I cook. Like someone really drunk going for one more drink, I climb gingerly onto the marble slab and lay belly-up. I get the coarse, Brillo-pad scrub-down. Tenderized like a slab of meat, I feel entirely relaxed. Nude, without my glasses, and not speaking the language, I bumble like Mr. Magoo in flip-flops through a series of steam rooms and cold plunges. A steamy labyrinth leads to the mixed-gender section.
This is where the Americans get uptight. The parallel spa facilities intersect, bringing men and women together to share the finest three pools in Friedrichsbad.